This is Duncan Trussell. If given the blessing of President Barack Obama (and presumably the United Nations), he will soon be named "Emperor of Planet Earth."
[Editor's Note: Duncan Trussell's petition seeking status as Emperor of the World has been removed from WhiteHouse.gov. Mr. Trussell, alack, will not suckle on stem cells while ruling over the planet.]
A Louisiana man’s petition to the White House asking that the Pelican State be allowed to peacefully secede from the United States of America has, in just about five days, garnered 29,648 signatures, eclipsing by nearly 5,000 the threshold at which the White House says it is willing to respond to the petition. Texas has also gone over the 25K level.
More than 40 such petitions, some of them duplicates for the same state including Louisiana, have been filed at WhiteHouse.gov since President Barack Obama won re-election last week. Many of them were filed by residents in blue states that Obama carried in the Electoral College.
But there’s a bit of backlash against this bizarre secession impulse. Also among the petitions at WhiteHouse.gov are two counter petitions: “Deport Everyone That Signed A Petition To Withdraw Their State From The United States Of America,” which has gotten 2,955 signatures, and “Strip the Citizenship from Everyone who Signed a Petition to Secede and Exile Them,” which similarly nearly 3,000 people have signed.
As most of the signers of these petitions are likely American-born, we’re not sure to where they would be deported. Perhaps to the 1950s.
Then there’s the case of Austin, Texas, a decidedly blue city in a crimson-red state. Filed by one resident, this petition, “Peacefully grant the city of Austin Texas to withdraw from the state of Texas & remain part of the United States,” has 172 folks signed on:
Austin Texas continues to suffer difficulties stemming from the lack of civil, religious, and political freedoms imposed upon the city by less liberally minded Texans. It is entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state, within the United States, in the event that Texas is successful in the current bid to secede. It is important for Austin to remain in the union as to do so would protect it’s citizens’ standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers.
We would also like to annex Dublin Texas, Lockhart Texas, & Shiner Texas.
Shiner has a pretty good brewery.
But here’s the petition that takes the civic cake: “Make Duncan Trussell the Emperor Of Planet Earth.”
We petition the Obama administration to construct an iron throne made of meteorites and incinerated pope penises upon which the new emperor of planet earth Duncan Trussell can reign supreme.
Attached to the throne should be a surgical straw connected to an endless quantity of fresh fetal stem cells upon which our Lord may suckle as the people of the world petition him for mercy or offer him their children and livestock.
It was filed at WhiteHouse.gov by none other than “Duncan T” and has received about 250 signatures at last count. Duncan Trussell is a California comedian whose Facebook page indicates that he "spent the first 20 years of his life in a deadly battle with the earth serpent Norgaliax. He won the battle but a bite from the serpent infected him with a disease that makes him grow hair on his back."
MAY 22 This post was written the day after the second line shooting in NOLA, by Brentin Mock. Mock is a friend of Deb "Big Red" Cotton, a blogger who was shot in the back and was seriously injured. It is a raw, emotional piece of writing, something the writer obviously felt he needed to get off his chest. But it raises questions that can't be easily dismissed, and might give some insight into where the source of these events truly is.
MAY 22 In this Baton Rouge Business Report post, Rolfe McCollister considers the privatization of bus service in Baton Rouge. After decades of under-funding, it is a mess, and although a tax (partially) passed last year, improvement hasn't happened yet. McCollister apparently feels it is time to let private business get in on the transit business.
MAY 22 This post on Bayou Buzz by Jeff Crouere urges the defeat of a bill that would grant modest pay increases over the next several years to the state's judges and clerks of court. The state is in no position to fund pay hikes, Crouere argues, with the pay increases costing a total of $9 million over several years. It sends the wrong message to the (proverbial) hard-working people of Louisiana, he says.
MAY 22 The Advocate reports here that State Treasurer John Kennedy is complaining about a meeting of the corporation that oversees the state's tobacco settlement. The Governor wanted it restructured, and he has some support, but not a lot. The corporation agreed with his plan, but Kennedy didn't, and it appears that the meeting was noticed in a manner completely different than that of all previous meetings. Kennedy's given to hyperbole, but in this case the fish don't smell too fresh.
MAY 22 In this Advocate story, Carencro Police Chief Carlos Stout says the recent federal indictment of a strip club owner is all wrong. The indictment alleges that drugs and prostitution went on with impunity because club staff made arrangements with "local" police. Stout says it never happened, and while his cops do work security in the parking lot, they're not allowed inside.
MAY 22 This amusing post in DIG Baton Rouge recounts an ad that ran on Craig's List recently; the advertiser was seeking tenants for a Beauregard Town house. He knew his market, and wrote an ad that the most ironical hipster couldn't resist. Apparently, he really did know his market, because the ad worked like a charm.
MAY 22 In this post in The Lens, Mark Moseley comments on the rhetoric Gov. Jindal employed in trying to save his tax "reform" package. One interesting point concerns Jindal's use of his brother, Nikesh, in a little story. Nikesh left Louisiana because of his inability to get a decent job, the story goes, but the story won't hold water: Nikesh lives in DC, which has an income tax level comparable to Louisiana, Moseley says. If income taxes caused the dismal situation, it should exist in DC too. Right?
MAY 22 This post by columnist John Maginnis traces the trajectory of the bill that would fund construction at community and technical colleges -- and bypass the Board of Regents and traditional higher ed funding mechanisms. Sure, it will bust the legislature's self-imposed debt limit, but some leges feel that there's more need (because there is more growth) in the community and technical college area than in the university area, he says.
David Calhoun and Elizabeth “EB” Brooks are the first two employees of Lafayette Central Park Inc., the nonprofit charged with turning Lafayette Consolidated Government’s 100-acre Johnston Street Horse Farm property into a passive public park. Calhoun was named executive director, and Brooks is director of planning and design.
There will soon be a whole lot of shakin’ going on at Benny’s Sportshack Supplement Depot, a new concept by Opelousas native Benny Nele. Located at 2002 Johnston St., the supplement shop, smoothie bar and café, featuring hot off the press paninis and wraps, plans to open in late May.