|This is Duncan Trussell. If given the
blessing of President Barack Obama
(and presumably the United Nations),
he will soon be named "Emperor of
[Editor's Note: Duncan Trussell's petition seeking status as Emperor of the World has been removed from WhiteHouse.gov. Mr. Trussell, alack, will not suckle on stem cells while ruling over the planet.]
A Louisiana man’s petition to the White House asking that the Pelican State be allowed to peacefully secede from the United States of America has, in just about five days, garnered 29,648 signatures, eclipsing by nearly 5,000 the threshold at which the White House says it is willing to respond to the petition. Texas has also gone over the 25K level.
More than 40 such petitions, some of them duplicates for the same state including Louisiana, have been filed at WhiteHouse.gov since President Barack Obama won re-election last week. Many of them were filed by residents in blue states that Obama carried in the Electoral College.
But there’s a bit of backlash against this bizarre secession impulse. Also among the petitions at WhiteHouse.gov are two counter petitions: “Deport Everyone That Signed A Petition To Withdraw Their State From The United States Of America,” which has gotten 2,955 signatures, and “Strip the Citizenship from Everyone who Signed a Petition to Secede and Exile Them,” which similarly nearly 3,000 people have signed.
As most of the signers of these petitions are likely American-born, we’re not sure to where they would be deported. Perhaps to the 1950s.
Then there’s the case of Austin, Texas, a decidedly blue city in a crimson-red state. Filed by one resident, this petition, “Peacefully grant the city of Austin Texas to withdraw from the state of Texas & remain part of the United States,” has 172 folks signed on:
Austin Texas continues to suffer difficulties stemming from the lack of civil, religious, and political freedoms imposed upon the city by less liberally minded Texans. It is entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state, within the United States, in the event that Texas is successful in the current bid to secede. It is important for Austin to remain in the union as to do so would protect it’s citizens’ standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers.Shiner has a pretty good brewery.
We would also like to annex Dublin Texas, Lockhart Texas, & Shiner Texas.
We petition the Obama administration to construct an iron throne made of meteorites and incinerated pope penises upon which the new emperor of planet earth Duncan Trussell can reign supreme.It was filed at WhiteHouse.gov by none other than “Duncan T” and has received about 250 signatures at last count. Duncan Trussell is a California comedian whose Facebook page indicates that he "spent the first 20 years of his life in a deadly battle with the earth serpent Norgaliax. He won the battle but a bite from the serpent infected him with a disease that makes him grow hair on his back."
Attached to the throne should be a surgical straw connected to an endless quantity of fresh fetal stem cells upon which our Lord may suckle as the people of the world petition him for mercy or offer him their children and livestock.