Cue some slow-grind, funky music here, kids, ’cause The Times of Acadiana is goin’ down on our eyeballs. O, yeah!

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Residents across the Hub City were shocked Thursday when the latest issue of the Times of Acadiana hit racks bearing an unabashed nod to the phallus. The cover, depicting a sculptural exhibition at the Paul & Lulu Hilliard University Art Museum on campus, included a male figure with his little general hanging out like a drunk on Jefferson Street.

The public reaction to the tabloid’s celebration of lusty-moist pleasures was swift and intense. “Pornography!” cried one swooning middle-aged woman moments before fainting onto a plush divan. “An abomination!” jeered a corpulent, balding banker who happens to be treasurer of the Lafayette Modesty Club.

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Times Publisher Linda Lovelace and sculptor John Holmes

Said Times Publisher Linda Lovelace in a telephone interview Friday morning, “It’s not like it was erect or nothing. I mean, geez.” Lovelace provided no further details on whether any copy editors or photographers would be reprimanded for the awesomely lascivious mistake.

The sculptor responsible for the racy visual paean to the priapic arts, John Holmes, was equally nonplussed by the severe reaction to the image. “It was cold,” he exclaimed defensively. “There’s was shrinkage!”

By Friday most of the sweet, nasty Times issues had been replaced by tabs bearing a more discreet cover. No word on how much it cost the Gannett publication to reprint thousands of new, G-rated copies of the beloved tabloid. Publisher Lovelace was evasive: “You’re throwing shade on me, mo-fo!” she cried before hanging up.

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