Now, it’s one thing if you’re a whoremonger and make no real pretensions to be anything but. There’s even a kind of Laissez les bon temps rouler integrity to that type of rascal that we may even have to admire a little bit. He is, after all, what he appears to be. Edwin Edwards comes to mind. Remember a few years back when David Duke wrested the Republican nomination for governor of Louisiana to face Democrat Edwards in the general election? All the establishment Republicans panicked about having an actual sheet wearer as their standard-bearer, and so they all lined up behind the colorful Edwards with the slogan: “Vote for the crook. It’s important.” Now, those were the days, way back when slippery characters didn’t pretend to take God’s dictation.
Which brings us to the very special case of David Vitter, who is the worst kind of reprobate to be found in heaven, hell, or Washington. For Vitter is not at all what or who he says he is. A self-described “values conservative,” the public figure of David Vitter that we are all subjected to is a pinched, prissy man who sits in judgment of everyone and won’t shush about Jesus. Just a horrible bore who doesn’t like for sick children to have health insurance, hates family planning, is appalled by gay people and gay marriage and brown people from south of the border and the United Nations, all of which in the Vitter moral universe blur into the same thing: grave threats to the tautly ordered no-fun zone that is David Vitter’s immortal soul.
And, oh, how David Vitter does like to instruct on personal sexual conduct. “Abstinence education is a public-health strategy focused on risk avoidance ... by teaching teenagers that saving sex until marriage and remaining faithful afterwards is the best choice...” says Vitter.
Well, Aristotle and Shakespeare knew where this story was going centuries before any of us were ever born. Because of course David Vitter loves prostitutes. And of course he got caught. And yet he still wears his grotesque mask of righteousness, and Louisiana seems poised to be fooled again by the hypocrite this Election Day. Maybe they should first talk to Mrs. Vitter, who during more innocent times said of Hillary Clinton (and her husband’s manhood), “I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he [David] does something like that,” Wendy Vitter said, “I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.”
See the full list here.
Esquire also ranked what it considers the “10 Best Members of Congress.” No Louisiana politicians made that list.